What is my problem?

Why can I never be happy with just what is?

I don't know if anyone else has this problem - but please let me know if so. Even if things are perfect or seem to be, I will obsess with faults and look for errors. Im always scared and have been at starting anything because things that start always have to end. And ends I am incredibly bad at.

So why is it not just easy? Why can i just not be happy and satisfied - it is like I am always looking at the grass on the other side, just to see if it could be any greener.

Sigh

xxx

@BillBailey - "my mind is unravelling so soon"

You can tell what time of year it is, by how many blog posts I submit. Currently I am in the middle of trying to crack essays out for portfolios. Unfortunately, having been off class for a while, I am finding the whole thing very difficult. I wish I had more to say on the matters of my essay. I am pretty sure I can knock out 4,000 words if some one asked me to write about my favourite book or film. But alas, life is not that kind.

Listening to "School of Rock" soundtrack. Awesome film, totally made me happy when I was going through one of the biggest break ups I have had. I advise anyone to watch it who just wants to see a kick-ass film.

Also watched 500 days of Summer and have concluded that despite being a good film all in all, that it totally bums me out. I mean, I see what it was trying to say, and could be interpreted as hopeful, but I find it hard to enjoy a film, where I find myself loathing one of the main characters. As we all know, I am a hopeless romantic - shouldn't destiny and fate win out? No? We are going to be realistic about it I see. Well who wants realism?? I have my life to look at for that.

Give me disney any day.


xx

21 sleeps till my fave time of year!

I would definitely be more excited if I didn't have so much work to do... why do tutors not know that I have christmas presents to make and buy? Not to mention the number of social events that seem to be appearing on my calendar!

I'm not really complaining, it is nice to be super busy, and when Christmas does come it will be like having a nice long bath and being able to relax for the first time in forever. ooo that sounds so delicious right now. I honestly can't think about that now, I just have two more secret santa gifts to buy (HARD WORK) and then I think I am done!

Found a poem I thought I would share today because it made me smile,

Temptation

Call yourself Alive? Look I promise you

That for the first time you'll feel your pores opening

like fish mouths, and you'll actually be able to hear

your blood surging through all those lanes,

and you'll feel light gliding across the cornea

like the train of a dress. For the first time

you;ll be aware of gravity

like a thorn in your heel,

and your shoulder blades will ache for ant of wings.

Call yourself alive? I promise you

you;ll be deafened by dust falling on the furniture,

you'll feel your eyebrows turning to two gashes,

and every memory you have - will begin

at Genesis

Nina Cassian

Just made me feel amazing. 

Anyway happy countdown!

ems x

Boomting - Christmas Countdown begins.

New phrase that I seem to have adopted off my friend, and in fact find myself getting more and more annoyed at it. Yet I seem to be increasing the number of times I say it in a day.

November was an incredibly bizarre month for me, numerous events and no money lead to several mini-break downs and consequently has resulted in me working all the hours I can possibly get my hands on. Unfortunately loads of other people want time off, so I think I took on more than I can handle.

For I am Emily - and I will burn the candle at both ends (as my mother would say). After getting back home at 3am, I am attending a wedding dress appointment with my friend and then back off to work at 6 to work until the wee hours of the morning. and next week I am at two gigs, need to buy secret santa gifts, and it is my mothers birthday - life is so relentless this time of year.

BUT it is not Christmassy enough yet, our trees are up in our house and look stunning, but I need people to start being deliciously merry and ecstatic that Christmas is almost upon us. Only 22 more days peeps!! Things to do before setting off to my parents - Go to Winter Wonderland, Ice skate at Somerset house, Attend a Carol Concert.

Let the festivities begin!

As the work keeps piling up on me...

Yes, my favourite way to freak out about how much stuff I have to do is to procrastinate.

Even if I am still writing, it is not what I am supposed to be writing.

I have spent a couple of days at home, helping my Ma with some housework and stuff, giving the dog ridiculously long walks and cooking dinner. It has been fun, and I seem to work a lot harder when I am here. However, it really is time I headed back home to London town, though I think it may mean that I will become the library's new gremlin. I just can't work at home, I mean maybe if I force myself. But if other people are in the house I just want to play with them! It is a real struggle.

SO many other things I am supposed to have done this month but I have delayed or put them off, it is highly irritating. Do you ever just get that feeling that there will never be a moment when life can just simply plod along and there isn't a drastic need for something to be done?

I know that whilst I am wishing for some calm and smooth sailing for a little while, that as soon as I get it I will be more bored than a bored thing.

However, ticket to America is booked and that is something I can look forward to after my crazy schedule has chilled the hell out a little bit.


Procrastinating love to everyone.

A serious case of the Travels

It has been an incredible while since I have written. But it seems that I do not stop moving at the moment.

After coming back from my favorite place in America, I came home to my lovely house, and a new academic year. Only increasing my stress levels.

It seems there is not enough time in my days to get everything done. October involved me running around like a lunatic, getting my head around my new role at work, trying to get all my reading done (epic fail) and persuade myself to go to the gym.

All these things have happened just not in the quantity I desire. I also have to write for twenty minutes a day according to one of my tutors (maybe I should have started that on here!) and this month I have three essays to write, a dissertation to attend to, a license to get, a novel to write. And squeeze in a weekend to Amsterdam, and the another weekend in Brighton. I swear that last year all I ever did was sleep, occasionally go out, and eat.

Amsterdam was lovely, I really love the city, and despite not doing anything touristy (as I have been before) I had a good time, getting really bloody high, then having a good night with my girls afterwards. COmpletely different experience to when I went before. This time I stayed in a very nice hotel, and last time I shared a tent with three lunatics from America. (Said with love). Very disappointed that when I was high this time round I didn't get to spend an hour watching baby goats scrap with each other.

Anyway, I am home, well, at my mother's and taking this opportunity to eat cottage pie with a glass of milk (because I am a child from the 1950's) and try and sort out my life. And also use my mother's washing machine.


To travels!

Still in America. Thinking of London.

Some Powerful Images - Please Take a look!

It is moments like this, when I get frustrated at some of the idiocy in our country. Not because I do not understand some of the pent up frustration that our country is experiencing, but rather the selfish attitude of some people. I actually feel a little embarrassed to live alongside people who feel the need to mug a man who is seriously injured – or an eleven year old who gets involved in looting from stores. When did these people forget the difference between right and wrong?

I mean for starters – is it really worth it? Yeah okay, you are stealing a brand new TV that you really kinda want, but where is their sense of guilt? I accidentally walked out of shop with a Valentine’s card once and felt awful, was about to take it back and my friend was like – don’t be ridiculous! So, I never took it back. I felt awful – I still feel a little bad. It is money coming out of people’s pockets and their personal lives that they are ruining. The government is hardly going to be affected by us looting our neighbours. Surely our taxes will just be increased to repair the damage, as will our insurance costs etc.

I cannot believe people have made other members of the public homeless – people they have never met. I really struggle to comprehend the need to harm others in this way. What possible good can come of it? If you are going to fight for your rights as people, as citizens of Britain, work with each other not against. In the long run you are only going to make your own life a lot worse – especially if you end up in Prison, or fined.

I do understand some of the unrest in our country and where it has stemmed from. But I do not think that behaving like a load of thugs and criminals will ever give anyone the right and respect to be listened to. It was the same with the student demos. The majority of students who demonstrated where harmless just marching for causes they believed in. Those who destroyed public property where a select few who made the rest of us look awful – and then people just think – "why give these students money, they are just causing trouble". The majority of this country is filled with people who do good, who work hard and see little reward for it.

So amazing to have the “Broom Army” who were involved in the cleaning up of London, people who seem to give a crap about where we live and have pride in it. I bet these people all have their own issues with our government and the way things are run, but they are helping each other out instead of setting fire to their neighbour’s business. These people should be front page news, and celebrated for their awesomeness.

In America, Again.

Much to the dismay of my English friends, I am an America fan. Seriously. I'm not entirely sure why, or what it is that attracts me. I mean, I love the people in England more than anything, and I love England, very very much.

Yes there are people here who I hate not having around in England, but that cannot be the only reason. Who knows.

Anyway, the BBC did a poll on the 50 most annoying Americanisms. Going through these, I couldn't help but laugh. Some of them actually do irritate me, but mostly I think it is funny.

BBC magazine. Americanisms

A man counteracted this, and American guy saying he doesn't understand why we are irritated by it and why we think it is wrong. We don't think these things, we are happy with Americans to have their sayings and spellings, just we don't get when we are using them. Unless like a popular TV show has successfully infiltrated us and we love it so much we can't help but talk like them. Actually this as happened a lot.
We are just joking American peeps, just as you think it is weird when an American says "bloody hell" and "wanker"... it is all okay. So lets be nice, and agree that our languages will always be different.


Also having a conversation about American squirrels,  and how they definitely are less scared of people over here. So much so, that on the College Campus my housemates used to live on, the squirrels were crazy and refused to let people into their apartments by screaming and throwing things at the habitants. Insane.

So... I am in the middle of a heat wave. And I am a mess. But rolling on with American life, and loving the usage of my International Driver's License. Oh yeah.

Love

It has been a while...

I apologize for my absence from writing my blog. It has been an insanely busy few months, what with trips to Dublin, Amsterdam then exams and coursework.
My wonderful housemates and best friends just got engaged and it has been a lovely (albeit stressful) time.

Last night was the engagement party, and it was damn awesome. I am now having to take a day to recover.   Both sets of families where there as well as all the friends. It is quite difficult to make sure everyone feels a part of something and keep everybody entertained, but they all had a wonderful time and there was copius amounts of drinking and bad (and some good) karaoke  and some of the best shapes thrown on the student union dance floor in a long ol' time!

It was really lovely to see everyone happy, and everyone celebrated the happy couple, made them feel special and gave them all the support in the world for their engagement. Everybody collected together and helped make the place look beautiful and we sorted food and a bbq, I think it was one of the best parties I have ever been to.

I couldn't think of a better couple, and they totally deserve all the good things. They are two genuine, lovely human beings and what they have is so rare. Looking forward to the wedding!

Happy Valentine's Day Everyone

This Day... makes me crazy. In a wonderful way.
I don't usually get a lot of Valentine's day stuff myself (though I have been treated this year, which was a surprise). I am genuinely OK with not getting anything, I love how this evening when diving back from work, I can see people smiling and having balloons and flowers etc in their possession. It is beautiful - to see people look like they are enjoying themselves. Not something you see too often.

This evening I helped my friend set up a Valentines dinner for her boyfriend. Although it is very unlikely that I would do anything like this, it just made me all fuzzy to see how much effort she wanted to put in for the man she loves on this one day where they have an excuse not to think about anything else.

It annoys me that people get annoyed at others on Valentines just because they are single. I am single... be happy for those other people who are in love. They were single once too...

There is nothing quite like seeing people ridiculously in love, not grossly disgustingly, icky sickly way, too cute babylike noises love. But happiness, with each other, just so comfortable in being with each other. I raise my glass to everyone who is in love because you should celebrate it, you should be happy. Even if you are unhappy in love... be thankful that you can feel that emotion, some people can't and only live off hate. Who wants that?

Let this day be for the lovers.... and let them be happy.

These days are the ones that make every other more bearable, knowing that happiness and love can still be in the forefront of people's minds despite everything else that is going on in the world.

SO celebrate it, single or taken. Feel love for someone or something. And have an excuse to think about the things that make life good.

Love Emily x

Absence

It has been a tiring Holiday seasn this year....

Possibly because I have just moved house, into a lovely new home with some adorable people. And also because regardless of the wonderful event that is Christmas, I have had to do a lot of organisation and get ready for a trip to America. Which is all over now... boo.

I question whether  the desire to live there is just because I currently don't. When I am there, everything is shiny and wonderful, is that because I do not have any obligations and bills and responsibilities to anyone other than myself? Is it morally wrong to be that selfish?

Food for thought, however, it was fantastically amazing and I have the best friends over there. I also have the best friends over here, and overall I am throughly spoilt. When you look back on life, and actualy think about times you have spent with friends and trips you have been on, parties you have passed out at, embarrasments that have been made, and ultimately the amazing smiles you get out of them all - you can think, no matter what. I have been around ten times more good amazing people than I have bad people who have made me feel blue.

Bring on the happy times.

Wishing every body an amazing New Year and to embrace the giggles.